Topic: Family drama - WWYD?

Going to try to type this fast while Little Miss is chilling with her brother!

Short background.  My parents are divorced.  My Dad lives 10 hours away and I see him (normally) twice a year.  He is a minister, is remarried and has a 9 year old son.  My Mom lives 4 hours away.  I see her, on average, once a month or so.  She works one day a week and is remarried, no other kids at home.  My oldest sister lives 12 hours away, has 4 kids, plus a soon-to-be stepson and fiancee.  I normally only see them once a year.  My other older sis lives here, 5 minutes from me, with her partner, daughters and step-sons.

The situation:  My Dad and his family, and my oldest sister (we'll call her K) and her family are coming for the week between Christmas and New Years.  In that week, since my Dad is a pastor, he will be baptising Ivy.  "K" is her godmother, and this is the only chance until next July that we will all be together.  We're also doing our Christmas dinner then and all that fun stuff.  My other sister "A" is also a godmother, and has been awesome since Ivy has been born, she comes over 3-4 times a week and cuddles the babe while I get stuff done, she drives me around when Tim is at work etc etc etc... basically, she's been here for us.  Sounds great, right?  Here is where it gets sticky.

The twist:  "A" and our mother are not talking.  Our mom is a holier-then-thou micro-managing control freak, and everything needs to be about her all the time.  I accept this is who/how she is.  "A" can not.  She has cut our mom out of her life (and her kids) for over a year now.  Mom is wanting to reconcile, "A" is "not interested right now" as it will take too much energy to try to work out their differences (or similarities, because honestly they are exactly the same). 

The problem:  I need to invite my Mom to her grandchilds baptism.  If I do not, I will be on the top of the $hitlist, and will never live it down.  Besides that, I don't have a problem with my Mom.  But I need "A" there too.  And I fear that if Mom comes, she will try to talk to "A", who in turn will be a snot to mom, which will cause mom to react, and the next thing you know it's world war 3... trust me, this is how my family works.  Or maybe both will "play nice for my benefit", but I still fear it will be awkward and weird, strained and stressful.

So... what do I do?  Invite Mom but ask her to leave "A" alone?  Don't invite her and live with that guilt trip the rest of my life?  Invite her and let nature take it's course?  Invite her and flee the country till everything calms down?  Ivy's baptism should be about her, which is turn is about Tim and I.  Tim is no help, he is just as torn as I am.

Oh and to add one more twist... my parents do not get along either.  They CAN make nice nice, but my mom tends to forget to and gets catty.  Ironically my step-mom and step-dad get along just fine, and my dad is a blundering idiot (whom I adore!) who is completely oblivious to my moms snide remarks, making it weird for us kids, but not for him.

*sigh*  The day of her Wiccan blessing is SO much easier... we show up, we hang out, we do our thing, we hug we eat happy happy.  Makes me wonder why I follow my families traditions at all anymore ):

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Re: Family drama - WWYD?

Do your mom and your sister both have email?  I would send them a letter pouring your heart out, not plaving any blame or accusations and just ask them to both act in a way that will let the day be about Ivy and not them.  If at that point they still create issues then you just have to throw your hands up but you will know you have put it out there and essentially done all that you can do.  You might throw in that you are NOT above asking anyone to leave should that be necessary for your peace of mind!

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Re: Family drama - WWYD?

I am so sorry that what should be a joyous day is turning so stressful already. I have no advice. Not my immediate family but extended is a mess like that and it has torn the family apart. No family get togethers, no sharing joys and sorrows. Don't you wish you could just give them all a shake and say grow up!   I hope you come across a solution what will work and your family can come together for that precious baby.

Re: Family drama - WWYD?

No real advice. Maybe just tell each one this day is about Ivy and if they feel the need to act like snotty middle schoolers then they can carry their a$$es down the road and leave you guys out of it. Also tell them that Tim will escort them out of the hall (or wherever the party will be) if things start to get ugly and they won't be welcomed back. Family BS is why I moved 1000 miles away. Not that I'm suggesting you try that........*grin*

Karen

Re: Family drama - WWYD?

I don't have any advice but wanted to say that you are so sweet to follow your family's baptismal tradition even tho you prefer wicca. I hope things will work out and that they can be adults. Good luck!

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Re: Family drama - WWYD?

This day is about you, Tim, and Ivy....kind of like a wedding. They need to put their differences aside and you should be able to invite all of your friends and family. If they can't play nice they need to not come in the 1st place or leave if they can't keep their mouth shut. I would have a private conversation with both of them and let them know that this is about you and not them and that you will be inviting mom/A and they need to behave.

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Re: Family drama - WWYD?

Well I say u can ask them both to be respectful for that day only. Honestly I don't think it would be wise to not invite your mom. The stress from the guilt would be too much. I say invite them both after giving them a fair warning and just stay out of the drama as best as you can.

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By lilgabby at 2012-02-21

Re: Family drama - WWYD?

I was just about to write what 2moms wrote.  : ) 

Good luck!

Carrie & Monica

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Re: Family drama - WWYD?

I would invite and let nature take its course. This is between them, not you. Good luck! (BTW I don't speak to my sister so I do kind of get where you are coming from. If I were invited to something like that I would either ignore my sister or not go depending on the circumstances.)

10

Re: Family drama - WWYD?

I agree with 2moms. I think its okay to not expect them to speak or be friendly, but they can simply ignore each other without being passive aggressive. Also maybe have a plan in case one of them does "loose it".

I really hope it goes well. Family can be so challenging. Maybe one of them will choose not to come.

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Re: Family drama - WWYD?

I don't mean this to sound snarky, just asking a question, but if you are Wiccan, why are you having a baptism? Why not just have the blessing. Anyway that doesn't help with the question. I'd tell mom and sis if they can't put their differences aside for one day, then don't show up.

Re: Family drama - WWYD?

KYST wrote:

I don't mean this to sound snarky, just asking a question, but if you are Wiccan, why are you having a baptism? Why not just have the blessing. Anyway that doesn't help with the question. I'd tell mom and sis if they can't put their differences aside for one day, then don't show up.


Both Tim and I were raised in Christian homes.  All four of our older children have been baptised and 3 of the 4 of them attend Christian services regularily.  We teach our kids both religions and let them choose which they prefer to follow.  We also feel that both religions are basically the same, its the terminology thats different.  In the Christian baptismal ceremony one promises to love, lead, teach and protect their child, with the help of God, and to raise them to the best of your ability... and I feel very strongly that this is a good vow.  The actual ceremony is more for the sake of my side of the family, as my Dad is a pastor, but its tradition, like putting up a tree this time of year!  We may be Wiccan but the concept is the same, we all believe in a higher power, be it God or Goddess, and want to formally ask protection of our child from them.  The Wiccan blessing is more about teaching the child to respect others and nature (be kind and harm none).  By us doing both we are satisfying our desire to introduce our baby at a young age into both religions while sharing our special commitments with our loved ones.

No worries... I didn't find it snarky!

My mom gets here today, so will have a heart to heart with her then.

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Need to update a ticker, Silas Anthony Jordon born Oct 11, 2013.  6th baby, so much love!

Re: Family drama - WWYD?

Good Luck Goobie. Ugh, families. You know, unfortunately, you don't have any control over how any of them will behave. So, I would say it isn't worth it to put your energy into worrying about whether or not every one is going to behave/be civil. Instead, put that energy towards accepting whatever goes down, and not letting it get to you.
Definitely talk to all of the potential misbehavers and let them know your concerns/wishes...then, let it go and enjoy your day!
Easy for me to say, huh?

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14

Re: Family drama - WWYD?

Gotta love families!  I'd invite everyone, tell them that you want them all there for this important day in Ivy's life, and tell them to be nice to each other.  Let them know that this is not the place for any showdowns or reconciliations or meltdowns.  This is Ivy's baptism and Ivy's day.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. 

As for you and stress, since you're breastfeeding Xanax is out of the question.  But a nice glass of wine might be okay!

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