Topic: Pretty Funny - Birth Plans

This was posted in another mom site. I thought this was pretty funny - smile

Jamie and Jeffs Birth Plan.

BY Paul William Davies

Dear Hospital Staff:

Thank you and congratulations for being on shift for the birth of our child. The following sets forth our wishes for our stay. If a medical emergency requires you to deviate from this plan, please refer to Jamie and Jeffs Emergency Birth Plan. (Tab J) Please note: Jamie is RH Negative and BPA-free.


While we do not have a traditional philosophy of childbirth, we have been heavily influenced by orthodox Wholefoodism and the (d)well baby/good design movement. We believe strongly in the power of the female body and a long-term night nurse. We are opposed to torture/gluten. In the event you are ever unsure how to proceed today, please ask yourself, What Would Gwyneth Do?


We would like mood lighting, like on Virgin America.

The following people, who were with us at conception, will again be in the room with us today: Jeffs mom; Jeffs sister; Jeffs sisters friend, Melanie (plus 2); Jeff Koons.

Please provide WiFi so we can check what you say against Wikipedia and our favorite mom blogs.

Music is very important to us, as music was playing in the Mongolian yurt when we first made love.

In lieu of a traditional hospital gown, Jamie would prefer to be dressed like Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer.

Please avoid any use of the words pulsate, soiled, or octo in the delivery room.


Jamie would prefer no enema or shaving of pubic hair. If shaving is necessary, she would prefer something in the shape of a vuvuzela. Jeffs pubic hair should NOT be shaved.

Jeff would like an IV.


Please generally avoid procedures that are totally unnecessary or excruciatingly painful.

Jamie would like Jeff to do the pushing whenever possible.

We have chosen a Doctor (Mr. Cooper) because he shares our desire for a natural, low-intervention birth. Mr. Cooper will deliver the baby via Skype from his home in Taos.

If Jamie starts to sob uncontrollably during labor, please turn off The Notebook. In the event the crying continues, please administer the following drugs to Jeff (per Mr. Cooper): Darvocet, Diamorphine, Vicodin, Medical Marijuana.

If induction is necessary, Jamie would like to try the following before Pitocin is administered: walking, stretching, flipping over, rolfing, online browsing, nipple stimulation and/or sexual intercourse.

Nipple stimulation should be done by the resident Jamie met on the tour who looks like Benjamin Bratt.


We strongly prefer a girl.

If you have not already done so, please now take a few minutes and read *Early Admission: How to Deliver an Ivy League Baby*!

Jeff will remain in the squatting position throughout delivery.

When the crown of the head appears, please turn down the music as Jeff will be reading aloud from Be Here Now by Ram Dass.

Please, no texting while suctioning.

Jamie would like a mirror so that she can see the horrible expression on her face if its a boy.

IMPORTANT: if the baby appears to be black, please immediately escort Jeff out of the room and bring in Jeremy Rayburn from the 5th Floor waiting area.

In the event of a Cesarean, please practice Western medicine.


We are interested in the following preschools: St. James, The Schoolhouse at Cedar Point, or Kidsplace. Willow Glen is ONLY a backup.

Jamie would like Jeff circumcised.

Please do not cut the cord until we are through the toddler years.

We would like the baby certified organic by Oregon Tilth.

Please dont put the baby on a scale, as we dont want her to have the same body image issues as her fat mom.

We would like to donate the placenta to the people of the Gulf Coast.

We ask that the baby be bathed in our presence, in the delivery room, in San Pellegrino.

Per Mr. Cooper, do not feed the baby mussels.

Per Gisele Bundchen, do not give the baby a bottle (i.e. chemicals) for at least 6 months.

If the baby must be taken from the room because of a medical emergency, we would like Jeff to accompany the child. (In this scenario, Benjamin Bratt would stay with Jamie. Please maintain mood lighting and insert the CD in Jamies handbag labeled, WHEN JEFF LEAVES.)

We will not be vaccinating our baby. Please vaccinate all other babies on this floor.

Jeff and Jamie

Mommy to Twins plus One - donor 733

Re: Pretty Funny - Birth Plans

I read this today - here's the link from the site it's from: … birth-plan  (there's a lot of other *amazing* stuff to read on there too, so I suggest checking it out).  I thought it was hilarious.

Zack and Emily

Re: Pretty Funny - Birth Plans

That was very cute!

Re: Pretty Funny - Birth Plans

Hil-a-rious!  Thanks for sharing!  Makes me feel better that my birth plan was completely ignored (put under the puke bucket) until I passed out after hearing the phase, "Oh, that's just a little blood dripping down your back from the epidural," and - after coming to - I redirected the nurse to read the top two lines, highlighted in yellow, which indicated my drug allergy and the instructions, "DO NOT mention blood as I get light-headed at the reference to it." 

I didn't even bother the second time around.   roll

Re: Pretty Funny - Birth Plans

This is great! I especially liked, "Mr. Cooper will deliver the baby via Skype from his home in Taos." And the parts referring to preferring a girl - I want a girl, so that really made me giggle.

Re: Pretty Funny - Birth Plans

Too funny. My favorite line: "Jeff would like an IV."