Topic: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

We had a wonderful plan in place to have A's mom come over and stay at our home with Liv while we were off having our son.  Due to a serious accident that will make traveling and caring for Olivia not an option at that time we have been making alternative plans.  Initially I was calm and felt confident about everything...now I'm worried.  Most of this is that we haven't left O overnight and who knows if we will be this time--- we are planning to deliver at a a birth center, so who knows how long I will be there. 

Anyway, am I the only person that is struggling a bit with leaving their little one?   I just want to relax and know she is in good hands and enjoy the birth of our son.  I don't want to be overly anxious about what's going on with our daughter.  I'm realizing I may sound a bit crazy or overbearing smile

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Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

I don't think you sound crazy OR overbearing AT ALL.  I would be worried too!  In fact, I *am* worried about what we're going to do with our boys.  Obviously they are not tiny children who've never been left alone overnight, but I'm struggling with who to have stay with them.  The only two people we've left them with overnight are H's mom and my best friend, both of whom live 6 hours away.  Furthermore, we are completely opposed to H's mother being here at the time of the birth for SO many reasons - she brings out the worst in every member of our family, we want the go home to just the kids we already have and ourselves after baby is born, we don't want Grandma's own emotional/mental issues anywhere near our kids when they're meeting their new brother, to name a few.  As far as my friend, she's loosely volunteered wanting to be here/help in any way, but not in a super specific way and she has a small child of her own (he'll be 2 in April), so that seems like a big can of worms too with our homecoming.

We're leaning towards just leaving the kids at home alone - but obviously, our eldest is 16 and our most regular babysitter these days.  We're thinking then that various friends who live in our town can check in on them periodically, feed them, things like that without having to take them to their own homes.  I'm pretty sure this would work out best for everyone involved, but also hesitant.

I'll be curious to know what your other options are and what you decide, but I definitely think it bears thinking through and does not make you a nutty pregnant lady AT ALL.  There are too many unknowns with childbirth and you need to feel as comfortable as you can with Olivia so you can be completely present with your birth and newborn son.  Oh, and one word of advice I can give - you will likely want Olivia in a super primal way after the birth.  So someone should definitely be willing to bring her for a visit to meet her brother in a way that makes you all feel comfortable.  (I'm still working out that part with our kids, because our hospital is way too far away for the teenager to drive, especially if there were winter weather)

Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

That stressed me out too. My parents came down and stayed at our home with our son, but he was so confused by what was going on. I ended up only staying one night in the hospital, the night Emerson was born. The next night my wife's mother stayed overnight with her and the babe, then the next night they came home. Still I spent all of the waking/day hours at the hospital, and even though Jack was almost 3.5 years old, it was all very over-whelming.

I much preferred the birth of the first child - without the worry about the first one. smile I think it's totally normal to worry about this, even if your mother in law was still coming, you would worry about it. It's kind of symbolic break too - as the older child has make room for the new baby too. A newborn baby makes your first born seem sooo much bigger.

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Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

I had to come up with a plan for my boys, and a separate plan for my then 12 month old foster child ( I had to leave her with an approved home and I didn't want her to go to people that I didn't know).  When I went to the hospital the plan for my boys and plan A & B for the foster child didn't work out.  I found good places for all of them, but I was stressed out the whole time that I was in the hospital which ended up being 5 nights plus an entire day (the baby got discharged at 9pm).  They all had a blast so it was unnecessary stress.  I guess the point is...have a back up plan.  Hopefully Olivia will be spoiled while you are away!

5 (edited by A&J 2013-01-03 17:41:12)

Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

Not that I want others to be in a rough situation, but it's good to hear I'm not alone in stressing and somewhat struggling with my options:-).

Currently my wife and I each have a sister that lives in town.  Both adore their niece, but my sister is a single mother and in a stressful and highly demanding military position and since we all know how unpredictable childbirth is we can't expect or securely rely on her.  A's sister may be able to come to our house and be here with Olivia while we are away.  We have close friends in town that have also offered to take O, but both have demanding work schedules and are more offering as a last resort option.  There are others that have offered, but no one that I truly want to rely on or feel comfortable knowing that Olivia will be with for a prolonged amount of time. 

Like cocolibby mentioned we really didn't or don't want our family members coming to stay here for a prolonged amount of time, actually none outside of staying with O while baby boy is being born.  A's mom was planning on coming to our home, caring for Olivia and our dog and while she would be here to meet our son, she had planned on staying at A's sister's for the duration of her visit.  We also really want the alone time with our children and not the stress of having a guest in our home.  Not to mention we have a smaller home and A's mom is happy to stay elsewhere smile 

I guess at this point I am really leaning on my sister in law as our go to person.  She is very familiar with our home, set-up, and Liv's routines.  This is another big thing-- we were really hoping to have someone that is familiar with the how and what of Liv's day, meals, and so forth.  Other worries of mine were thinking of my mom( who I love and loves Olivia very much) coming as a very last resort and all would go haywire!  Not that my mom can't handle a child, it's just that she has very different ways of doing things and I know things would be quite stressful for her, Olivia, our dog, and therefore us as well.  Just thinking of the chaos that would ensue makes me nervous. 

We obviously want our daughter to be with a trusted and reliable loved one of ours.  It goes without saying that we will not leave her with someone we don't trust.  Seriously if I had to I would have my midwife set up a homebirth for us, but we would still need childcare in our home and a homebirth is not my first preference.  We also like the idea of someone who knows and can come to our home and can also feed our dog.  We sound pretty demanding, but being at our home will be easier for whoever because Liv feels safe and secure here and we also feel that she is safe and secure here.  Do you guys have those friends and family members that have very difficult homes to have your child in?  We just finished some extended visits at places with scary stairs, lots and lots of untouchables, dogs not accustomed to small children, etc.  These vists away really made me revisit our options and what may be best.

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Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

The first night Justin was away from home was the night Juliet was born.  He stayed at my sister and BIL's house for three nights.  They brought him to the hospital each day, and I'll never forget day #2 when he asked if I was still his mommy!  So definitely share in advance what the plan is, how many "sleeps" you might be away, and that you'll be returning home once the baby is well enough to leave.  I also made sure from 36 weeks on that not only was my bag packed, but Justin had a bag with a few days' clothes and diapers, toiletries, toys, favorite bedtime stories, snacks, favorite non-perishable foods, and a big post-it that said GRAB HIS BLANKIE OFF THE BED.

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Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

It was the hardest thing I ever did. I had never been away from the twins overnight. I had actually planned to have the twins at the hospital with me for the most part, maybe even delivery...but M was born the year of H1N1 and everyone was freaking out leading to all children 18yo and younger being banned from hospitals. This made things even worse, because not only was I away from them, but now I couldn't even see them for my entire stay. I was discharged just over 24h after delivery to get home to the twins. If I could have spent more time with them, I probably would have stayed another day.

My parents were able to watch them, but not until after a week into December. It worked out, but I was always a little freaked out at what I would do if I went early.

Jamie
Mommy to Twins plus One - donor 733
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Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

When we went to have our son my mother stayed with our daughter in our home. I thought it would be perfect but it ended up being kind of a disaster. She called constantly to ask questions (like what to feed her even though I had stocked the house with stuff she liked and left a detailed note) and she brought her to the hospital almost all day (which we all know there is nothing for a 3 year old to do at a hospital for 8 hours except get into trouble) and then she let her stay up as long as she wanted every night. It was insane, we should have thought it through more I guess but she really is our only family in town so it seemed like the best idea at the time. Live and learn, we all got through it and it is a distant memory now!

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Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

Well, just wanted to say that we are now SET!  I had a long conversation with my sister-in-law and we are good to go! This really will be the most ideal person for us.  She loves Olivia dearly, knows our house well, and has watched O here many times over the past nearly 2 years, loves our dog, and can put up with ALL of my checking in and random requests smile She also lives here in town and relatively close to us, so no travel worries.  She also has a fairly flexible career and is setting things up for the end of Feb.-the beginning of March, so we are covered.  I'm planning to make sure the house is filled with food and leaving her one of our vehicles to drive so that I won't have to worry about Olivia's car seat being safely installed smile   I now feel that I can RELAX and just let it happen when and how it does.

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Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

See my response on your other topic thread...just because I am special like that!

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October 2014

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Re: Leaving first child to deliver 2nd...

Sorry to chime in so late, but as you're about to find out, the second baby will start to eat up your social networking time very quickly.  ;-)
Your "at home" plan sounds perfect. That was a huge requirement for me.

And no, you're not the only one to worry about this. Even though L was at home, and in the very capable hands of her grandparents, it consistently brought me to tears to think that my baby girl would wake up in the morning and not understand why Mommy wasn't there.
And, as everyone who had BTDT can confirm, it was truly no big deal for her. She was a little confused for a few minutes, but quickly carried on with her morning having fun with grandma and grandpa.
Oh, and having her arrive at the hospital to visit me and the baby was AWESOME!!! The split second I saw her my heart melted all over again.
I am sooo excited for your pending adventure!!! Can't wait to hear about it in your own words.  :-)

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