Topic: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

Used up my donor.  Thinking about using a different donor next summer.  I was adamant that all my kids have the same donor but I am thinking that.  I am thinking I may try a different donor.  How do I explain to my children they have different donors?  Will it matter?

http://lmtm.lilypie.com/raF7m7.png
Progesterone therapy and baby aspirin daily

Two miscarriages in between (August 2012 - same donor as Maggie, and December 2014 with husband)
Maggie
http://lbym.lilypie.com/PNa0m7.png

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

Our donor conceived are the same donor, but in our family we have 6 kids from 4 different parental combinations... you know what, its not really a big deal!  I think when they are old enough to grasp the concept of donor conceived, they are old enough to understand "donor A was no longer available, so I chose to use donor B to create you, because I wanted you that much and loved you so much from the start".

http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt125c22.aspx

Need to update a ticker, Silas Anthony Jordon born Oct 11, 2013.  6th baby, so much love!

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

Is your donor still available, or no? Here's why it was important to me for my children to have the same donor: if they decide they want to meet him one day I think it will be a whole lot easier for it to be the same guy so they can do it together as a united front.  And I say that as an almost-donor child myself.  My "biological father" (but I prefer to call him speem donor) was never around and I didn't meet him until I was about 10.  It was hugely awkward and would have been easier if he was my sisters "donor" as well.  That being saiid, my sister is 100% my sister...no half about it.  We couldnt care less that half the genetics are different.  I think the key for us, and for your children as well, was that our mother never kept things from us.  There was never a big reveal that our dad (her dad is who I consider my dad) was not biologically related to me.  I was young enough that they could have kept it from me, but they always just talked about it so it was therefore no big deal. I remember distinctly being told in kindergarten that I looked just like my dad and laughing to myself that it wasn't possible. 

So I would say just don't make it a big deal...just always talk about how you all have mommas hair, but Joey must have gotten his Jose from his donor, and Suzie must have gotten her nose from hers...etc.  keep it light.

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

I think it's a very personal decision.

For me, it's a break it situation. I would not go on...but again, those are my feelings. In fact, while there are many reasons why baby four isn't in the cards for me, the biggest obstacle is no longer having the donor available. I have even joked that if the impossible happened and I got married, if he wanted more kids he would have to be okay using my donor - lol.

Jamie
Mommy to Twins plus One - donor 733
http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f54/YFNR/DSC08654_zps76947225.jpg

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

my oldest is adopted - the next is the bio son of my wife - my youngest was conceived via bank sperm & was sold out before he was born - it was more important to grow our family than to have a bio link between some of our kids - It really wasn't an issue for us at all ... I honestly don't understand the issue - I think that if it were a situation where I was sleeping around and engaging in unhealthy practices & getting pg by who knows who, then I understand the issue - but saying we chose to have you and this is how you got here, is not a concern for me

best wishes

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

They would still share a special common bond of being donor conceived.  That could help them feel connected.

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Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

They would be siblings no matter what.  I don't share both bio parents with any of my siblings.  They are still as much my siblings as they would be if we shared the same mother and father.  For us our shared genetics is more important than the parts we don't share.

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

Thanks guys - you all made very valid points.  I always thought that my kids had to have the same donor, but after using up my last vials I am re-thinking this.  I am contemplating using my tax return next year to buy up a couple of vials of another donor.

http://lmtm.lilypie.com/raF7m7.png
Progesterone therapy and baby aspirin daily

Two miscarriages in between (August 2012 - same donor as Maggie, and December 2014 with husband)
Maggie
http://lbym.lilypie.com/PNa0m7.png

9 (edited by Sunshine4Baby 2013-10-22 17:57:22)

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

My boys are from different donors and honestly I don't even think about it at all - they look so similar that it doesn't hit me that they aren't full siblings smile it was important to me to have 2
Donor conceived children even if not from the same donor - I did try to pick similar characteristics but they both look just like me - when I see pics of my youngests 1/2 siblings I do see similarities tho - it's weird to explain lol
I say go for it - you will never regret having another child if it is in your heart to have one !

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

We used 2 diff donors when our vials ran out...it was a hard decision that took about 2 minutes to decide. I desperately wanted more children and my wife wanted to experience childbirth. We had our sons donor photo matched. We think our children have similar physical characteristics despite their lack of bio connection. Strangely, they are both left handed, even though both donors are right handed...I'm the left handed parent, but only carried one of them. Its these little things that make us all feel connected and unique.

http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10750;443/st/20110610/n/Emerson+Jane/dt/-1/k/84fa/age.png

http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10600;103/st/20080201/n/Jackson/k/7672/age.png

11 (edited by Zen 2013-10-23 10:01:43)

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

I think if it doesn't matter to you, it won't matter to your babies.  I only had one by donor but I have a total of three now.  The older two were adopted at birth (no relation to each other) and then lost their adopted parents to death and disability.  As far as Shiloh is concerned, these are her sister and brother.  She has little memory of life before them (she was 4 when they joined our family). 

My 12 year old interacts with Shiloh as though she's been his sister forever.  They play or fight like any other biological sibling pair.  My 15 year old is a little different.  She loves and adores her sister Shiloh.  But Shiloh is an added sibling.  She was 3 when her brother was adopted and it's obvious to me that the sibling connection is stronger with him.  It's not a matter of loving or liking him more.  It's just a stronger more solid bond.

In my opinion, if you use different donors but raise your kids as a set of two siblings, they'll bond as such.  If you identify and treat them as half-siblings, they will define themselves that way too.  I think once you decide what's best for you, that will be best across the board smile

On a funny note, Shiloh thinks she came to me from God and her brother and sister came from Grandma's house.  There's no religion in this ... her name means "God's gift" and she thinks that's literal.  At some point she'll learn more but in our day-to-day life, genetics don't matter much!

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Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

yfnr - LMAO I thought I was the only one who had that crazy thought! haha

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Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

Shanny wrote:

yfnr - LMAO I thought I was the only one who had that crazy thought! haha

I always used to think I would have full bio children unless I got married - but now that I see what friggen ADORABLE babies donor dude and I make, I might just have to agree!! Lol

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

We were sure that we'd have a full bio-sibling for Henry. 13 vials later, we moved to another donor without blinking an eye because we were sure that we wanted a second baby. Our daughter completes our family, and there's not a doubt in my mind that she is the baby we were meant to have. That said, I understand that some people feel differently about this issue - it just wasn't ever a concern for us. Henry knows that Maeve has a different donor - he's known since before he met her - and so far this is fine with him. She's his baby sister and he absolutely adores her smile

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Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

My first son was conceived using a known donor who passed away when I was 12 weeks pregnant.  It was a hard decision for me to make to try for #2 knowing there was no possibility that my son and future child would be full siblings.  I waited and mourned that loss and 5 years later I'm trying for baby #2.  I am choosing a donor that shares characteristics of my son's donor and I think with openness and such it won't matter that much.

SMBC to a fun, outgoing, crazy big 7 year old boy
TTC#2
August 2015: BFP!!!

http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1ca64f.aspx

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

I think you hit the nail on the head. It boils down to being family and not stating one is adopted, one is half, etc. They are YOUR children, even if you didn't give birth to them and the adoption was just a formality. It upsets me when people say "my stepxxx", "my adopted xxxx", etc. They are YOURS and be proud of each of them because they are truly special people no matter how they became part of your family!

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

And grace - I couldn't agree with you more.  Something that used to make my sister and I soo angry was when people called us half sisters.  We are NOT half sisters, we are sisters!  The genetics is not why I want my kids to have the same donor, it's so they have the same person to meet one day of they choose to do that, and of course if he is willing.

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

I can't answer those questions. I just wanted to add to the conversation that I purposefully wanted two different donors (or more if I go for more kids, which is not the plan now.) I knew it was a good thing my donor ran out of vials. This summer my one sister and my mom started going on about how great it would be to make a full sibling for my daughter because she is so perfect so why would I not want the same donor, etc???!!! I forsaw this situation and it's good I don't have to worry about it! I looooove the idea of using different donors and see what we get! It's so much FUN! My siblings have a different biofather from me and my biofather raised them as his own so I'm used to blended family life. Plus, if they have the same donor and one wants to search for the donor and one doesn't, it would cause problems if the donor is the same! With different donors, the child that doesn't want to meet the donor can keep it that way. Really these latter thoughts are just popping in my head right now...

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Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

It would be a deal breaker for me. However, I do agree what biological relation does not matter. My dw has no biological relation to the twins, she is their adoptive second parent. However, the twins are her babies, they even look more like her than me.

Re: how do you proceed using a different donor for a second child?

Annerbones, what type of donor did you chose the first time? Are you more interested in the donors being completely anonymous and forever unknown or are you okay with or hoping for the donors to be willing to be known if your kids want?

For us it comes down to whether or not they get to meet/know about their biological donor. We chose a "willing to be known" donor in the hopes that the donor is still willing to be known later on and the kids can find out as much/little information as they desire. But ultimately we want them to be in the same boat so they can feel united in it and not divided by different circumstances, since we are choosing to bring them into life knowing that they may not be able to find out more about half of their genetic lineage. If we'd chosen definitely anonymous sperm, I don't think we'd care.

...mischief makers...
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