1 (edited by grovehill123 2016-12-28 19:55:37)

Topic: ohh Family! Updated below

So I have my mom living with me, she has dementia and is blind.  A ton of work stress and simply the hardest thing I have ever to deal with every day.  I am pregnant with twins- 14 weeks. She wanders, is aggressive, and won't leave me alone.  I announced to my brother (who is the closest relative) that I'm pregnant with twins, and mom would have to find another place as I can't handle both.  I came to this decision after several days of thought and reflection.  I said he can take on the caregiving role, or their is Long term care options, which they can't guarantee a date (they said up to 6 months) thats after the babies will be born.  He didn't so much as congratulate me on the pregnancy rather he want to meet to discuss options.  I'm so fed up! Its me dealing with this everyday.  I'm starting counselling again to get my head into a good place.

Re: ohh Family! Updated below

Ugh. Unfortunately I hear about situations like this all the time, where one sibling bears the burden of caregiving while other siblings act like it's not their responsibility. Hopefully you can find a good facility for your mom so you'll know she's receiving adequate care, since it sounds like your brother has no desire to step up.

3 (edited by old mama 2016-12-22 20:25:54)

Re: ohh Family! Updated below

Most of my children are now adults with severe disabilities...I know what you are going through. You DESERVE a life with your babies. You can still be in your mother's life without having her in your home. She is going to get worse instead of better. You can't have her violent around your babies or you. My parents are in their 80s and I have had times I have been their caregiver as well. My brother did nothing. He does live 4 hrs. away but didn't even come to see my mother who was in a swing bed at the hospital for months..grrr...don't let your brother guilt you into keeping your mother in your home. Look around and find the best care facility that she can afford...and visit...and lose that guilt...enjoy those babies you worked so hard to have! Just wanted to add...talk to a social worker who deals with the elderly. There may be programs that you can tap into long term and some much needed short term while you are working to find her a place to live.

Re: ohh Family! Updated below

I agree with all of the above posts... you deserve to be happy & enjoy your babies without the worry of caring for your mother. The earlier you can find a foster home or memory care/nursing home/assisted living facility the better so she can get used to it. It does not mean you are a bad daughter or don't love your mother. You need to take care of YOU, and leave the care of your mom to professionals... and there really are some good care facilities out there. Hope it all works out well & your brother takes some responsibility as well.

1st daughter born 9/26/2013 (bfp 2nd attempt at home ICI)
2nd daughter born 3/8/2016 (bfp after 7 attempts at home ICI, 2 miscarriages, 1 D&C)
age 36 http://lb3m.lilypie.com/evtim8.png
age 39 http://lb1m.lilypie.com/K8qxm7.png

Re: ohh Family! Updated below

Sorry you are dealing with this.  If you apply her for medicaid and she doesn't have assets/huge savings it should not take that long to get approved.  Once approved she should also receive long term care medicaid.  With that they will help pay room and board and other services.  You could meet with an assisted living facility (alf) and discuss her finances with them.  A lot of times they will work with you as well as help you apply for medicaid/LTC. Her pcp can also assist in getting her admitted to an ALF. PCP will need to complete an 1823 so they can assess her ability to perform ADLS (activities of daily living) to determine her care needs. 

Good luck.

SMBC: TTC since 12/2014: 3 home attempts: 2 BFN & 1 chemical. 3 medicated Dr assisted IUI's: 2 BFN & 1 BFP (04/24/15) with twins in May (new donor) MC with D&C @ 9w. 4th IUI 09/17/15: BFN. 10/15: hsg good. 11/15: BFN. 01/16: BFN. 05/16: Embryos arrested. IVF failed 06/16: KD BFN 07/16: KD BFN 09/16: IUI #7 with donor sperm BFP-MC at 9w w/ D&C. 02/17: diagnosed with hetero compound MTHFR & clotting mutation. 03/09/17 IUI #8: chemical pregnancy. IUI #9: 04/19/17 BFN LOOKING FOR EMBRYO'S TO ADOPT

Re: ohh Family! Updated below

I'm in Canada , its a little different here.  We had "case managers" that are the gateholders to  the new spots.  We met with a case manager, and they have placed us on the crisis list.  My brother has wanted her in long term care for some time, she has always loved being in her own home.  I cannot do both and he clearly has expressed he won't help.  It costs 4000 a month.  I am not sure if the subsidize it or not.  This is for long term care, the retirement home option is out the window , its private and costs closer to 10000 a month. She wanders and most of those don't have locked facilities.  I need to start that business lol....   As others have said I need to be able to focus on my miracles and myself finally.  I say its a bloody miracle I got pregnant, with many many many tries you never know when its your time.  Don't give up!

Re: ohh Family! Updated below

I've always shouldered the burden for my mom's care.  When I was young--like elementary school aged--my brother (10 years older) and sister (6 years older) used to joke that I'd have to take care of my parents when they got old.  At least I thought they were joking, the joke was actually on me.  I hope everything works out, and you are able to place your mom somewhere with good care before the babies arrive.  My mom is still technically of sound mind, and absolutely refuses to move from her home, so I've had to set much firmer boundaries with her since my son was born in 2014.  It's still very hard on me though, because witnessing the choices she makes is stressful and terribly depressing.  She lives in complete squalor, her 3 cats are stressed out to the point of being ill, and her finances are such a mess she bounces checks at the end of every single month--that's just the short list.

Re: ohh Family! Updated below

Update: So I did get a placement call for my mom. It was our 7th choice out of 7. I know I can't do both, especially alone by myself. I really am finding tonight difficult I have to accept this place tomorrow and its not the greatest. We will wait on the list for the other choices but in the meantime she will have to go. Very hard decision to make but doing it for my babies.

Re: ohh Family! Updated below

Be strong. Help her make the best of it. Just be there when you can.