Topic: parenting question

So , a friend emailed me tonight because she was "shocked" because I told her child that I did not want to here the song she was playing at her pajama party on Sat night, while at a play date today. She said that it really upset her and the child. It made me think. Do you stop everything to let your child perform or do you tell them no, not now?

I did not mean to upset the child, but it could have been the first time she offered to do something and heard the answer no. Honestly if it was Abby I would have done the same exact thing. If I was in the middle of doing something, and Abby asked me to listen to something I would have told her no also. In this case William was alone outside and I was just telling Abby we were leaving in a few minutes.

So I guess my question is where do you draw the line between appeasing kids and going about what needs to be done?

Beth

Words cannot even begin to describe how much I love these kids
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2 (edited by sara291 2012-06-26 18:45:17)

Re: parenting question

If it is not a good time I will tell them that. On the same hand I go to them when it is a good time soon after and have them tell me or show me something. Z is 4 so I explain why I could not listen or see what he wanted in some way even if it is just that I needed to finish something up. I can't stop everything every time they want but by just telling them no may send the wrong message depending on the child and age.

Re: parenting question

This child will be 8 soon.

Beth

Words cannot even begin to describe how much I love these kids
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Re: parenting question

With Shiloh I decide based on whatever's going on at the time.  With other people's kids I put up with more because the parents should be the ones setting limits in public.  Usually my answer of "no" comes when someone's child wants me to go play with them when I'm socializing with other adults/parents. 

What surprises me here is that your friend is feeding into her child's behavior.  On your part I'd just email back an apology (sometimes "I'm sorry" can soothe ruffled feathers with nothing more said or done) ... but then I'd put some distance in that relationship.  It's one thing to have high maintenance friends.  It's another to have to maintain their kids too!

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Re: parenting question

I am with jdiana here...

I think it is an important lesson to teach your child the meaning of the word no, and the ability to accept that answer, especially when given by an adult. I do  think I see far too much parenting leaning the other way recently. Allowing the child to rule the roost so to speak. We are creating children who's self worth and identity is wrapped up in getting everything they want when they want it. The world doesn't work that way and it is a disservice to set them up believing that.

If this were my friend I feel pretty certain I wouldn't  apologiz, but rather explain that it wasn't the time and place and you simply declined the request to hear her 8yr olds song. If she has a problem with that I would think she's got some issues of her own and drop it.

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October 2014

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Re: parenting question

We have this issue in our house, with our own kids, in the evening. Everyone wants attention (including the dog and cat). Jack often (in a whiny voice) wants someone to "play with me" from the moment we walk in the door. We are working on letting go of our guilt as parents and teaching him that he needs to find something to do on his own for 15 minutes while we prep dinner and tend to baby and animals. It's hard.
In your case, with another persons child, I don't know if I could have been as bold, though I might have been seriously annoyed with myself for not doing so. I think its more awkward that your friend said you hurt the Childs feelings, rather than teaching the child to say so and to request another time for you to watch her.

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Re: parenting question

something i battle with on a daily basis.  i am feeling a little better about saying "no" these days because i see that people like my brother (who is a sociopath) and a guest on dr. phil who beat his girlfriend to a pulp were raised to think that they were the only people in the world who mattered, indulged to a sick degree.  i think it's healthy for kids to hear "no" sometimes, even though it still makes me feel guilty when i say it.

Re: parenting question

This isn't even a question to me!  I honestly would have had a hard time conatining my surprise that someone actually called me to complain about this!  So yes to answer the question - yes, the children are asked to wait until I am finished doing whatever I am doing before I will listen to them, help them with something etc. And yup, they are often told just plain "no". Its not a good time, we don't have time right now etc. If an adult is speaking they need to say excuse me and wait until they are acknowledged. The exceptions to this are obviously urgent (usually bathroom) issues and any injury/emergency.  I expect other adults - friends, family and teachers to have the same rules with them because the worls will not revolve around them and I don't want to raise kids who think it does!

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Re: parenting question

I 100% totally agree with Shanny. I don't know what I would have even said to the friend when she brought this up! My children KNOW they are loved and respected but they also know to respect me (and others). They say excuse me and wait until acknowledged. And usually the moment I am free I take care of whatever it was they needed (or wanted) but often that moment may be quite some time / if ever.

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Re: parenting question

I hope that when Bronx is this age I will agree with what Shanny said. I haven't been there yet but I'd like to think that's what will happen. I also agree with Mommylove.