Topic: What do you call your donor?

Normally on TTC forum, but want to know what you guys say since you already have children:-) What do you call your donors? I don't want "daddy" in there, because that person isn't a daddy. I've been defaulting to "donor," but so many women use that as a negative term to refer to deadbeat dads, I don't want it to come off wrong.

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Re: What do you call your donor?

I just use "donor". but usually if I'm talking to someone about it I lead with, "I chose to use a donor", so it's clear it's not a "baby daddy".

Amy (39)
DS (7) - d#470
Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it.

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3 (edited by OneSmallStep 2013-04-26 00:08:54)

Re: What do you call your donor?

We refer to him as the donor, though we haven't had a lot of convos with others about him outside of our family.

Hubby of kopykat451
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Re: What do you call your donor?

We are a two mom family and we are very welcoming of questions and conversations about our family's make-up. I mean, people are curious. We refer to the donor as "donor". That is what he is and there is no other way to describe it. Honestly I never even think about dad or father when I think of the donor. I don't even have a face to go with the number. I simply think if the tiny little vial with the number written on the side.

Re: What do you call your donor?

Generally, we just say donor. If we want to be really clear, we say donor from a sperm bank.

Mom to P (13), J (11), E (6), and Q (born December 2017)

6 (edited by K&H 2013-04-26 07:38:30)

Re: What do you call your donor?

We just say donor.  Sometimes I'll say something like "the other side of her genetic history".  I've started sort of talking with E about this already, for example, the other day she asked me why she is tall (she asks why about everything) and I said that her donor is tall, so she is tall.  She accepted that no problem.  I'm sure she'll want more info as she gets older.  When she was first around we had to correct family members who would say dad, father, etc.  Now it just seems weird to hear anything other than donor.

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Re: What do you call your donor?

Babybaby- I once read that someone told their toddler they planted a little tiny seed in thier belly and it started growing, it was a baby! I like that analogy because it isn't totally off.

Re: What do you call your donor?

I say donor, although my flbeat friend and mom do tend to jokingly refer to him as "baby daddy." it's one I those things I thought would have bothered me before I got pregnant, but now that I actually am I just think its funny.  I guess it's just because I am so grateful to this person who gave me my little guy. smile

Re: What do you call your donor?

When outside people refer to Shiloh's father I let it slide because I don't need to explain my life choices to strangers.  Within my close circle of friends and family I'll say donor.  Honestly though, it never comes up anymore.  More when I was pregnant and when Shiloh was an infant.  But now?  I'm just one of any number of single moms!

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Re: What do you call your donor?

We say "donor", and our son hasn't asked anything yet. We know it's coming. Honestly, he probably hasn't even noticed yet or heard us saying the word because we rarely do. My DP is sort of awkward about serious conversations like this, so I predict I'll be the one explaining it to him. smile

There are and will always be people who refer to his donor as his father, and I try to politely stress the word donor in my reply, especially to family and friends. I don't necessarily care about strangers, unless H is listening.

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Re: What do you call your donor?

We say donor and correct people if they refer to him as the father or dad, especially in front of the kids.  We don't want them to ever be confused.

July 4, 2015
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Re: What do you call your donor?

We alternate between "sperm donor" and "Uncle Chris"

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Need to update a ticker, Silas Anthony Jordon born Oct 11, 2013.  6th baby, so much love!

13 (edited by fisch 2013-04-26 14:49:21)

Re: What do you call your donor?

We always used donor until our son started talking about dads. He wishes he had one because the kids at school ask him if his dad is dead. It was disturbing at first, but this is very much how 4-5 year old brains work. If you don't have one or the other parent he/she must be dead. It's actually a very logical conclusion. We had always talked about our donor, read books, etc. but we never talked with him about how HE should talk about it to others. We will do this with Emerson. In the conversation with Jack, when we were explaining that he didn't have a dad who died, but  "a donor who is a very nice man who looks a lot like you and that he could call his donor a "donor dad" if he wanted to" but also that he has "a Grandaddy, Grampa, and a Grandpa, a Godfather, and three amazing Uncles who are all like fathers in his life". After all this he said he still wanted a dad. This was when he was 3.5 years. What we realized is that it isn't necessarily "good enough" to pretend that dad's aren't important, that it wouldn't be 'great' if he had one, or to just not talk about what we don't have. What we discovered is that, it's ok to want a dad. Lots of kids want what they don't have. In fact, because he wants one, I wish I could give him one. The reality is though, that he may never meet his donor dad because he is anonymous and donated because he wanted to help a family like ours.

That's what we say, and although I imagine he still thinks about it sometimes, he knows that his family is two moms and that is that. I write all this out because I see so many families with little ones who say 'my kid doesn't ask' or 'my kid doesn't see us as any different from other families'. That may be true, but I still think it's important to validate feelings and maybe even be the one to bring it up. Kids are perceptive and they can easily see that "most" or maybe "many" families consist of a mom and dad. If they aren't questioning it they may have made up their own rationale - you never know what that might be unless you ask.

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Re: What do you call your donor?

fisch wrote:

That's what we say, and although I imagine he still thinks about it sometimes, he knows that his family is two moms and that is that. I write all this out because I see so many families with little ones who say 'my kid doesn't ask' or 'my kid doesn't see us as any different from other families'. That may be true, but I still think it's important to validate feelings and maybe even be the one to bring it up. Kids are perceptive and they can easily see that "most" or maybe "many" families consist of a mom and dad. If they aren't questioning it they may have made up their own rationale - you never know what that might be unless you ask.

That's very true.  We've asked our girls a few times if they wished they had a dad and if they did why and they have always said no each time.  We're lucky with that so far.  We'll see what the boys say and what happens over time!

July 4, 2015
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Re: What do you call your donor?

Kate and I, along with close friends and some family refer to him as 4949. We use the term donor anytime a discussion of family comes up, who has what kind of family etc. We read books about how/why she has a donor. To anyone who inquires I say donor or will say "I used a sperm bank to conceive Kate".

Side note - if you don't want your kids to know how babies are made, what the real names for body parts are, or that we all die eventually - you'll want to keep them away from Kate smile

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16

Re: What do you call your donor?

Shanny wrote:

Side note - if you don't want your kids to know how babies are made, what the real names for body parts are, or that we all die eventually - you'll want to keep them away from Kate smile

smile I imagine this is how E will be too. She's already explaining  that "the baby" ( our nephew), the tree outside, and her phone all died and went to heaven with Grandma Carol. She'll tell anyone who will listen all about it!

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Re: What do you call your donor?

K&H wrote:

smile I imagine this is how E will be too. She's already explaining  that "the baby" ( our nephew), the tree outside, and her phone all died and went to heaven with Grandma Carol. She'll tell anyone who will listen all about it!

Maggie is going through that too, she names everyone in the order that they died.

As for the original question - when someone says something I say donor.  Maggie says she doesn't have a dad but hasn't been able to get the concept that she has a donor.  She doesn't seem to care of be interested in it at this point. 

My dad occasionally makes a comment and I correct him, then tell her in front of him all the people who love her and that she has a donor not a daddy.

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Progesterone therapy and baby aspirin daily

Two miscarriages in between (August 2012 - same donor as Maggie, and December 2014 with husband)
Maggie
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Re: What do you call your donor?

I use the word "donor" and I actually have to correct my parents all the time when they refer to him as my daugher's dad. While I am soooo very grateful for his donation and I am so happy by the outcome, I just can't use the word "daddy" or dad", and I still always correct people by saying that he is a donor and always refer to him as a donor.

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Re: What do you call your donor?

jdiana, I sometimes think the same thing about my daddy.

This thread prompted a great discussion between R and me. I mentioned how some of you said that we shouldn't necessarily wait until he asks before we talk to him about the donor, and that absolutely makes sense. When I'm pregnant (knocking on wood for this summer/fall), we definitely want to use the opportunity to talk to him about his donor and the "seed" we planted, which will be a great metaphor for him because he helps his pap garden and has a basic understanding of how/why plants grow.

...yet another reason why I'm thankful for this forum! smile

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Re: What do you call your donor?

I have always used the term donor. I think since my kids have heard it since before they could talk, they've always been fine with that.

Jamie
Mommy to Twins plus One - donor 733
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Re: What do you call your donor?

I find it very interesting, to see how others handle the concept of having a donor.  I may be a bit extreme here, but I am seriously considering making up a name for my donor, so the child has a person to refer to.

This is my reasoning:

I have a 5 year old adopted daughter.  I adopted her through the state.  I am a SMBC, so she doesn't have a dad in her life.  She sees that most of her friends have dads, and asks LOTS of questions.  She has never met her birth father.  I met him once, on the day he surrendered his rights.  Her birth mother was prostituting, and he was a client.  He didn't know about her, until she was a year old.  He is allowed to write to her, but never has.  So she knows that he is out there, and maybe they can meet, someday.

I take the blame God approach with her.  I told her that God takes a Mommy part and a Daddy part, to make a baby.  But sometimes God needs another, special Mom, to raise that baby.  So she has a "Mama N_", a "Daddy E_", and "Mummy".

Although, when my sister and her husband were expecting, my daughter was convinced that once they had their baby, it would live with US!  lol  She thought everyone was adopted!!!   tongue

She knows that I am planning on getting pregnant soon.  God just needs to help me find a Daddy part, since we don't have one at our house.

I just think it wouldn't work, for our family, to refer to "donor".  Of course, everyone who knows us will know I used a donor.  I just think a name will be easier for the child and my daughter.

Was all set to use NW, but found a known donor.
2013 - 3 BFNs
2014 - 7 BFNs
2015 - 4 BFNs
2016 - Feb BFN

Re: What do you call your donor?

I used a known donor to conceive my son and the idea was for me to have full custody of my son but him to know his donor at first as a family friend type person (not calling him dad) and as he got older move into the genetic connection.  This all got blown out of the water because my son's donor died when I was 12 weeks pregnant.  I refer to him as my son's donor and biological father. My son wanted to know if he had a dad and when I said he had a donor he wanted to know if that was his dad.  I explained that half of his chromosomes came from his donor, etc so it kind of evolved from there.  My son has connections with his donor's family and so to my son he seems more like a dad then a donor.  I'm okay with this.

Now that I'm using a sperm bank I will refer more to "donor".

SMBC to a fun, outgoing, crazy big 7 year old boy
TTC#2
August 2015: BFP!!!

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