Topic: trying to cope but finding it hard

So after trying 2.5 years we finally got pregnant back in November 2013 and miscarried. My due date would've been 2.5 months away and I'm finding it so hard to cope with lately. It made it even harder to accept because one doctor said the baby was fine/ahead, the next said it was over and I needed to accept I miscarried and etc. I was getting all different kinds of answers and after another ultrasound where I should have been 9 weeks and there was no baby I finally accepted it was over and that's when the D&C was scheduled. SUCKS doesn't even begin to describe the feeling but I don't know what else to say to try and describe it. When we started this journey, several people just got pregnant, gave birth and are now on number two being due in a few months and we can't even get one.

I can't even begin to say how crappy I feel. I'm so thankful because now we know I can get pregnant and we know timing that works but I think the counts were too low in the two vials we insemmed with this time around. And last month when we tried, we insemmed too early. I thought what I had was a +opk and we insemmed and found out we insemmed 48-72 hours too soon. Then I don't think this try worked and I feel like I'm never going to get the chance of being a mom. I would like 4-6 kids but I can't even seem to get one.

I don't even know how to begin to cope. I don't cry about it that often because I feel like no one cares and literally the only friends I have are on here. We don't have family to lean on so all you ladies are my support.

This month was our last try and I'm not feeling very positive about it which makes it even harder. I feel like I'm fighting a battle that can't be won. I wish we still had our baby here with us and I have literally been praying every night for our rainbow baby and I am just at a loss.

If love could've saved him/her they would've lived forever.

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Re: trying to cope but finding it hard

I've always followed your story, so I remember the back and forth with the doctors and the emotional turmoil it's caused you. Unfortunately I am feeling this pain now as it's been exactly one month today since I lost Landon.

I'm so sorry that you don't have supportive friends at home. Sometimes you just need to cry, let it out, and maybe even tell your story over and over...and have people listen without judgement. Sometimes I feel crazy bc I still cry at work. And although people are supportive, I can't help but think my bosses (male) are like, "Isn't she over this already?" I've realized that nobody can truly understand unless they have suffered a miscarriage. To me a miscarriage isn't just- oops, my period came. It's a dead baby. I hate saying that, but I just have to so that I convince myself what I'm going thru is real and not a dream.

And I am with you regarding everyone's pregnancy. PG women are all around, yet you are just praying to carry one to full term too. Yesterday a parent came into school with a 1 week old baby on her shoulder. I quickly left the office and started crying.

Anyway, if you want to chat privately, please email me. Sending you well wishes!

Nicole-SMBC-39y/o-TTC since Jan. 2013
IUI~BFP (BORN STILL) AT 16w5d 4/3/14
Chemicals~IUI 7/24/14;8/21;BFNs~9/25;10/19;IVF#1-2/21/15~No embies made to blast.
IVF#2-BFP~4/16 trans. 2 embies
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Re: trying to cope but finding it hard

I am sorry...I can relate big time. I had to give up TTC entirely and felt I was handling things pretty well for a while then it just "hits" again. It is a pain that just won't go away. I wish there were some words of wisdom to take away that pain and anger but I sure can't think of any but you are in my thoughts.

Re: trying to cope but finding it hard

I'm so sorry. It's hard. I hope you get your rainbow soon. Nobody really understands unless they have gone through it. My online friends I met after we lost our daughter got me through those dark times. Most people can say, I'm so sorry for your loss, but after that they just don't have much to say. It's tough.

Re: trying to cope but finding it hard

My heart goes out to you and boy can I relate. Right before disaster hit that ended TTC for me. I had had some bloodtests done. They were sent to a special Fertility lab in Boston. My results came back too late but I found that I have an immunity disorder that makes it difficult to conceive or when I did my body would attack the fetus as a foreign body and kill it off...the reason for my miscarrriages...like you I strugged with timing...that HAD to be perfect. I never used less than two vials, I tried cycle after cycle. If I would have known I could have received meds that would have helped me to conceive and keep the baby...they work...I know a woman with the same exact thing. She was tested by the same lab, went through treatment and became PG and carried to term...Before you give up entirely, as hard as it sounds stop a bit until you can get some funds together and get some help. The tests were $500 and it also tested me for a clotting disorder that I did not have...but that was way less than one cycle's try. You are much, much younger than I am I would bet if you got the help you need you could get that baby!