1 (edited by ljimpey86 2017-01-15 08:49:49)

Topic: What would you do?

So my daughter Abbigail is going to be 8 months old in a couple of weeks and is growing into such a little character! She is so smart, is standing already and is trying to take a couple of steps! She is so funny. smile Both my husband and I are so grateful that we were able to have her. My husband had cancer as a child which made him infertile.

Since having her I had pretty bad problems with PPD and ended up seeing a doctor who put me on celexa, which helped immensely. When Abbigail was around 5 months old, with the doctors help, I weaned myself off of it. I still feel great and am not depressed at all.

Sorry about the bit of back story, but the point of this post is about my mother in law..... So her and my husband are pretty close and talk almost every day. Which I never had a problem with and still don't. I was close to her before I had Abbigail, but I now feel that I've kinda grown out of that closeness. I think that the PPD also played a part in that. (My immediate family lives in FL and all other family I have lives at least 2 hours away, so I don't have any of my family close by). Also because of ongoing medical issues, my husband is a stay at home Dad and is disabled. I work full time and to give my husband a break, my mother in law and father in law typically always take Abbigail for the weekends. (I work weekends a lot). I have had a lot of trouble with my mother in law telling us how to raise our daughter, asking if we make "sure to love her a lot," and asking us if we make sure to "change her diaper." Obviously we would never do anything to hurt her, and we certainly love her more then anything in the world! It is just insulting to me and my husbands abilities. I think that those type of comments are making me grow apart from her. My husband has noticed that we aren't as close and the other day asked me if everything was ok. I told him what I was feeling....like she doesn't think we are doing a good job, and he admitted too that he feels the same way, but just kinda sweeps it under the rug.

Now I was hanging out with her the other day and we were playing with Abbigail and talking. (When we ended up using a donor after, about a year of my husbands unsuccessful fertility treatments, both my mother in law and father in law were against us telling Abbigail about it when she gets old enough to understand. Their opinion was that she is ours and the fact that we used a donor shouldn't matter.) I have found out recently that my daughter has a couple of donor siblings and I've been kinda excited about it. I want Abbigail to know exactly where she came from, and of any donor brothers/sisters she has. I just feel that it is important, and if I was in that situation I would want to know. I was telling her about how I had found out that Abbi has some donor siblings ou there. She kinda made a face and said that she thought that it is "weird" and "gross." I responded that I thought it is important that Abbi knows that she has other family(maybe the wrong use of the word family, but what I meant is people who are biologically related to her) out there. She responds back with "those people are NOT family..." I was just so taken aback by it that I didn't know what to say after that. It just really hurt my feelings that she would feel that what we did was weird. I know that she loves Abbigail so much and is grateful to have a grandchild, but saying that made me feel bad for Abbigail. I've always known my in laws are pretty conservative, and we're both raised in VT, where I've found native people can be extremely close minded. My husband is certainly not like that.... I am Bi and he has always known and is supportive and loves me. I have kept that information to myself in regards to them though.

I guess my point in this post, is what would you all do. I don't want to put my huband in the middle, but I also don't think I should have to put up with that. I've talked to a couple of friends about it, but they all have children who were conceived by having plain old sex, so I don't really feel like they understand as much as some of you would. I want to keep her in my life for obvious reasons, but I've just been having a pretty hard time with things she says lately.

Wow, sorry for the book! Below are some recent Abbigail pictures. smile


http://i1016.photobucket.com/albums/af289/ljimpey86/IMG_4429_zpshxozrzwr.jpg

Wife to DH with hypopitutarism and azoospermia
TTC~
Try #1 ICI 8/15 -BFN
Try #2 ICI & IUI 9/15 -BFP!

Abbigail Helen born 6/5/2016 7lb6oz

Re: What would you do?

Ultimately she is your baby and you and your husband should talk and decide what to do. Personally I would want my  child know  his her donor siblings. Then they could decide with time how much contact they have in the future. It could be beneficial in many ways. Regarding your mother law you could talk to her or even send a letter expressing your feelings. Hopefully everything works out

TTC attempt 1: ICI Dec 2015 BFN/Attempt 2-3 IUI Jan&April 2016 BFN/Attempt 4: 1ICI 1 IUI May 2016 BFN/Attempt 5-7: ICI-June, Sept, Nov 2016 BFN/Attempt 8-9 iui April 2017 BFN.
May 2017 IUI BFP!!!! 
http://www.countdownmypregnancy.com/tickers/pregnant-1494046800z5z1495083600z1.png
http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1d86de

Re: What would you do?

I would just keep that between you and your husband. Any contact you have now or in the future with donor sibling families is none of anyone else's business. You and your husband are her parents. You MIL is a care-giver. That does not make her a parent or someone who has any say in anything.

I wonder if she just feels kind of threatened by it?

I, personally, feel it is always best to be honest. It is what you make it. What I mean by that is...if you make it a big deal, that is exactly what it will be. If it is a big secret, it seems like something to be ashamed of. You've done nothing wrong here. There is nothing to be ashamed of. If it is just a part of life, then that is all it will ever be. She has 2 parents who will love and raise her and a donor who helped get her here.

Part of that is having biological half siblings. Again, nothing to be ashamed of. While we don't think od them as "family", the reality is, they are biologically related and may want that connection some day. If they want it, they deserve to have it. I greatly enjoy being in contact with donor sibling families and seeing photos. I love that we have the connections already made for our son, should he want contact later.

Our kids didn't ask to be donor conceived. The least we can do is be honest with them and make things as easy as possible for them later in life.

Mom to P (12), J (11), E (6), and awaiting the arrival of our last baby in late December 2017.

Re: What would you do?

I agree that I would not discuss the donor sibling relationship with your mother in law. The whole idea of donor conceived children was shocking to my parents as well. They were happy the times I was pregnant and would have loved an accepted any grandchildren but not something they wanted to talk about. They don't have to know everything that goes on in your home and life.  As far as being judgmental how you are caring for your daughter...it's not right but when you accept free child care you kind of open yourself up to that.  If it is truly very hurtful for you you might cut back..but not totally cut off the amt. of time they spend caring for your daughter. Every weekend is a lot.  I don't mean to be mean but as a single parent to a big family of adopted children I have found out anytime you accept anything from anyone they feel they have the right to have an opinion in your life. I am fiercely independent and I accept very little for that reason.

Re: What would you do?

Thank you all for your input. I agree oldmama with being independent. Before my husband and his family came along it was just me, myself and I for the most part. I guess I am just used to doing things my way. I think I may start to cut down the amount of time that she is there, and will make sure she is home when I am home on the weekends. When I am working ( I work 24-48 hour shifts as a paramedic) I leave things up to my husband if he wants to send her to my in laws house. My mother in law also comes over and helps my husband at night when I am working during the week. I think I will keep anything about the donor to myself from now on, lesson learned!

Wife to DH with hypopitutarism and azoospermia
TTC~
Try #1 ICI 8/15 -BFN
Try #2 ICI & IUI 9/15 -BFP!

Abbigail Helen born 6/5/2016 7lb6oz

Re: What would you do?

I didn't have time to read all the replies but I would go with what you and your husband feel comfortable with and think is best for your daughter. Personally I don't think in this specific situation your mother in laws opipion should have much to do with it.
I have two children - a 6-yr-old son and a daughter who just turned 3. Both are from the same donor and I know of several families who used the same donor. The children range in age from due soon to 10 ish I believe. I honestly think it's best to be honest with the children growing up. My children (mostly my son since my daughter doesn't get it) knows that I used a donor and that there are other children who also had the same donor. He doesn't really care at all but I want him to grow up knowing this instead of coming as a shock later in life. I'm in a private FB group with other families of the same donor and love seeing updates. My children know who their family is and do not view these other children as their family but I also know growing up they may like to know these children. At this point (my son is almost 7) he has seen a few pictures and we are starting to do a simple penpal situation. I haven't even gotten around to mailing his first letter but it was simple. He basically said hi my name is Riley I hope you like the picture I drew. It's not a big issues & so far he doesn't care. It's just a simple matter of fact. Later in life when they are older if they want more contact or any relationship it would be available and would be up to them. It took a while for some people to get use to when I talked about the other donor children (which I rarely do because of privacy) but they have gotten used to it.
When I first had my son I had mixed feelings about contact with the other families . . Excited, unsure and so on . . But 7-years later I'm glad I did. It's nice having basic contact. You never know what the future brings.

Re: What would you do?

Am I allowed to comment since we are having one of the donor siblings?!

I'm sorry your MIL is being like that...

My MIL refuses to acknowledge that my wife and I even used a donor (since Megan is transgender). My mom has been slightly more understanding,  but doesn't really grasp how it all works. 

I think honesty is important, and I LOVE our little donor group.  It's interesting comparing pictures and personalities of the kids.  Plus,  it gives me someone to talk to that understands what we went through to get pregnant. 

If your MIL isn't comfortable with the discussion that's one thing,  but I would make it a point to let her know that it's your decision and your husbands what you share with your daughter,  not hers. And an honest discussion about the other stuff might be helpful...she may only be trying to be helpful, not realizing that what she is saying is hurtful.

8 (edited by blkbrd3 2017-01-24 12:03:53)

Re: What would you do?

I agree that this is something you may need to keep within your smaller nuclear family for a while. I'm sorry for that.

My opinion is that donor siblings are a type of family member.  They can be viewed like a very distant long lost cousins or closer depending on the goodness of fit and everyone's preference. 

I could go on an on about how cool the kids and families are that used our donor, but really the most important thing is that my son will grow up knowing there are people who share some of his genetic history that also had the experience of being conceived in a non-traditional fashion.  He'll grow up knowing that he's not alone in his experience.  He'll be able to see the differences that make him unique and the similarities between them that he and I do not share.  That's a great gift.

Re: What would you do?

Relax keep it between you and your husband. My son is 11and just asked about donor and siblings. Bigger fish to fry with and baby, save it for later

http://i133.photobucket.com/albums/q52/suzyroed/connonandray.jpg

Re: What would you do?

Heather&Megan wrote:

Am I allowed to comment since we are having one of the donor siblings?!

I'm sorry your MIL is being like that...

My MIL refuses to acknowledge that my wife and I even used a donor (since Megan is transgender). My mom has been slightly more understanding,  but doesn't really grasp how it all works. 

I think honesty is important, and I LOVE our little donor group.  It's interesting comparing pictures and personalities of the kids.  Plus,  it gives me someone to talk to that understands what we went through to get pregnant. 

If your MIL isn't comfortable with the discussion that's one thing,  but I would make it a point to let her know that it's your decision and your husbands what you share with your daughter,  not hers. And an honest discussion about the other stuff might be helpful...she may only be trying to be helpful, not realizing that what she is saying is hurtful.

Of course you can comment! I'm so glad that I know you and the others who have used the same donor. I'm grateful that I have people to talk with who understand the situation.

Wife to DH with hypopitutarism and azoospermia
TTC~
Try #1 ICI 8/15 -BFN
Try #2 ICI & IUI 9/15 -BFP!

Abbigail Helen born 6/5/2016 7lb6oz

Re: What would you do?

Thank you all for your replies. I think that my husband and I will keep things between us, and not involve anyone else except immediate family. One of the other moms made a point that since our donor is annoymous, the only tie our children will have to the donor is other children who were conceived via insemination. I think that I owe my daughter the connection, if she so chooses when she is older.

Wife to DH with hypopitutarism and azoospermia
TTC~
Try #1 ICI 8/15 -BFN
Try #2 ICI & IUI 9/15 -BFP!

Abbigail Helen born 6/5/2016 7lb6oz